NICU Awareness Month
September is NICU Awareness Month and I can’t think of a better way to start my blogging journey than with a topic that is so important to me. We never expected to end up in the NICU with our daughter. We had a “normal” and healthy pregnancy. I did everything “right”… I didn’t eat turkey lunch meat sandwiches, I went to regular doctor appointments, I slept on my left side. However, when our daughter was born, she was blue and her breathing was shallow. Before I had given birth one of the nurses told me not to worry if she doesn’t cry right when she is born, it sometimes takes time, even as long as ten minutes. Ten minutes came and went and more doctors kept coming in the room. I asked over and over if she was alive but no one would tell me.
In the weeks leading up to her birth, I had a terrible feeling that something was going to go wrong. When the doctor came in and told us what happened, it was a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts for me. Our daughter’s blood was acidic at birth and they were worried that oxygen had been cut off to her brain at some point which could lead to brain damage. The brain damage could result in anything from a learning disability to cerebral palsy, but we wouldn’t know until later down the road. She was in a cooling blanket for three days before we were able to hold her. Those three days sucked. I cried more than I’ve ever cried before and it seemed like each passing hour just got more difficult. The nurses and doctors made what they could easier and really became like our family. We were very blessed with our outcome as our daughter had no brain damage and is now a happy, healthy 16 month old. We were in the NICU for week, a relatively short stay, but our time there changed my life forever.
At the time, I was a therapist in training. I knew all the strategies for coping that I would tell my clients and how to overcome anxiety, but during that time, and for the months after, it was really hard and it honestly wasn’t much fun being a mom. Sure I was so thankful to have my baby, but I was experiencing trauma from everything that happened (as well as being worried about everything new moms are worried about). My journey leading up to giving birth is a topic for another blog, but to truly experience postpartum anxiety and the baby blues is one of the things that drives me to support perinatal women. Giving birth is hard, with or without the NICU.
So for this blog, I don’t want to throw out a bunch of statistics or numbers about the NICU or tell you how close we were to having a totally different outcome. Instead, I want to talk to you mom to mom, parent to parent and share my experience and things that helped me. We looked for so many resources while we were in the NICU to find comfort and I hope this will help you.
Here are my top 16 (our daughter was born on the 16th) things I learned from the NICU:
It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to cry and be angry and feel like it isn’t fair. You don’t have to be strong for your partner or baby. Feel what you feel unapologetically.
It’s not your fault that you are in the NICU. I did everything exactly by the book and still ended up there with my baby (I don’t know what that book is, but I apparently read it in some past life).
No matter how many times you ask, the doctor’s will never tell you everything will be ok. That doesn’t mean that things won’t be ok.
Don’t google anything about your baby’s condition.
Keep a notebook of highs (and even lows) and don’t be afraid to celebrate small milestones. Just because something good is happening, doesn’t mean the next thing to happen will be bad.
Just because you have a feeling something bad is going to happen, doesn’t mean it will. It means your brain is changing into mom mode and that’s what it’s supposed to do.
It’s ok to leave your baby to go get something to eat or just take a break, but it’s also ok to stay in the room. Talk to the nurses and express your concern. Maybe leave a number just in case.
The trauma of what you experienced doesn’t go away when you leave the NICU and returning to “normal” life doesn’t mean you have to get over it. Seek help from a therapist if you are struggling. To learn more about the signs of Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADS), visit Postpartum Support International.
You don’t have to tell your story to everyone who asks. It’s ok to say you aren’t ready to share.
Talk to your baby about home. Tell them what their room looks like, who is at home waiting for them, and all the fun things you are excited to do together. Then if you need to cry, cry.
Just because you can’t hold or feed your baby doesn’t mean they won’t love you and bond with you.
There are some really amazing and beautiful people in the world. NICU nurses and doctors are superheroes. Even if you have to go back later and do it, say thank you.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions, but also know that the answers may not be what you want to hear. It doesn’t mean things can’t and won’t change.
If you have a support system at home, ask for their help with things such as the laundry or letting the dog out. It makes it so much easier to return home to a clean home.
Self care is hard during this time, if not impossible. Expressing how you feel counts.
Communicate with your partner and have grace for them. You both are experiencing a really hard time and will deal with it in your own ways.
My experience isn’t everyone’s experience. I would love to hear yours, so please reach out to me if you want to share. If you are in Nebraska and are experiencing or have experienced the NICU and feel like you need extra support, let’s talk. Our sessions will be driven by you but we will cover how anxiety and trauma impacts the brain, coping strategies for dealing with the hard days, and how birth impacts our minds and bodies. You’re not alone, help is out there.
- Sara
Resources:
Postpartum Support International: Learn more about PMADS including postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD and more
Project Sweet Peas: Learn more about NICU Awareness Month, read other families experiences with the NICU and explore different ways to get involved in the NICU community.
