Good Grief
The holidays are upon us again and while many of us are focused on finding the perfect gifts, decorating our houses as if they were going to be featured in Good Housekeeping, and cooking the perfect meals, others find themselves in uncharted, or maybe even well worn, territory….facing grief. Grief doesn’t take a vacation to somewhere warmer for the holidays, but instead often shines as bright as the Christmas lights adorn on the tress. Grief can come in many different forms like losing a loved one, losing a job, finding out you have an incurable diagnosis, fighting with friends or family and unlike the battle for best decorated house on the block, there are no winners. Finding the good in the holiday season in the midst of grief is hard, if not impossible. I’ve always liked the quote “Life isn’t about what happens to us, it’s about how we respond to it”, but I find it difficult to tell this to clients who are experiencing grief - at least initially. What that quote doesn’t tell us is that life is actually really hard sometimes and it’s ok to be upset and disappointed in the cards you’ve been dealt, especially when it comes to grief around the holiday season. Finding the good in the grief can be difficult and more than likely will not be wrapped in beautiful paper for you to open on Christmas morning.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross defined five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Grief does not take a linear path through these stages and oftentimes, it’s possible to feel more than one on the same day. It’s a gut wrenching and exhausting process. Around the holidays, people may experience a wide range of emotions and find it easier to withdraw from festivities. While many of us may want a Hallmark movie ending to the grief others are experiencing, the truth is that is not realistic and can often do more harm than good. If you know someone experiencing grief this holiday season, reach out and extend an invitation, but don’t be offended if it goes unaccepted. We all deal with grief in our own ways — and sometimes that’s alone.
If you are facing with grief this holiday season, here is your permission to feel your feelings and to not try to find the good in the grief. It’s ok not to decorate or participate in festivities. It’s ok to have a difficult time finding things to be thankful for. It’s ok that you don’t explain how your doing or tell your story to everyone who asks. Take time this holiday season to take care of yourself. If you have lost a loved one, perhaps find a way to honor them. If you are facing a grime diagnosis, do something you love. There are wonderful non-profits here in Lincoln and Nebraska at large that support grieving individuals and families. If you have a difficult time finding one to fit your needs, reach out to me and I will be happy to help. When you are ready, and no matter what stage you find yourself in, reach out for help.
David Kessler, an expert on the topic of grief, introduced a sixth stage of grief that he called meaning making. During this stage, we begin to find meaning and ways to honor what we have lost and sustain the memory of that person, place, or event. Getting to this stage takes a lot of time and oftentimes, hard work. I believe this is where we find the good in the grief and where we can incorporate that saying I mentioned earlier. There are no gifts that can ease the pain that grief causes. In other words, when we reach the stage of meaning making, it’s not like that grief goes away. We learn to incorporate it into our lives and walk with it rather than run from it.
So no matter where you are in the grieving process this holiday season, there’s hope. The 2023 holiday season or even the new year can be filled with peace and understanding whether you find that through counseling, faith, or community. You’re not alone. There is support out there.
Resources for Grief
Books: A list of 30 great books for grief including David Kessler’s “Finding Meaning”
No Footprint Too Small: For families who are grieving the loss of a child
Connected Forever: For families experiencing a NICU stay or loss of a child
